Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I stole a fireplace last night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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