i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
