omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
