My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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