so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
