they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize