i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
