I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
