successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize