he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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