If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
