why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
