Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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