you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
