If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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