Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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