You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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