i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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