Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
