I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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