i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
