YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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