booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
