I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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