Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
