Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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