I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
