I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
