Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
