I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
