Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
