I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
