Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
