$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
