wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
