we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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