i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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