Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
