Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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