well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
