he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
