Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
