I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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