my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
did i walk over a car last night?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
