She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
