I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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