Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
