Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
