I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
