oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
