I want to have your abortion
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
