we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize