I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
