Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
