dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I think I am morally bankrupt
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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