Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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