apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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