i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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