You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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