Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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