I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
