So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
