I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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