Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
