I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
