I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
